The Tip of the Prawn

things that annoy me about facebook:

1) serial quiz takers. i don’t give a fuck what disney princess you are or what your real age is or which TV show character represents you best.

2) serial facebook status updates. i don’t recall having a celebrity in my friends list so why the fuck would i care what you’re doing every two hours?

3) serial photo album uploaders, especially the ones with the self portraits. i don’t give a fuck what you had for dinner (shot from twenty different angles) or how you look (from twenty different angles) or your wedding (from twenty different angles and uploaded into five separate albums).

4) unflattering photos of me indiscriminately uploaded and tagged. i don’t log on to facebook often and it may take days before said photos are discovered, to my horror.

5) mass messages with threads that go on and on and flood my inbox with facebook alerts. if it doesn’t concern me, then don’t add me and subject me to the torture of reading one-sentence replies that are irrelevant to my life.

things i like about facebook:

1) anonymous stalking. facebook doesn’t track visitors so i can go and be a big kaypochi in anonymous glee.

2) typing maniac.

3) annoying my sisters by giving the thumbs up to all their status updates and leaving derogatory comments.

4) birthday alerts - very useful.

5) the discovery of nonny. giddy yap!

:->

typical sms exchange between bananana and myself (note: she started it):

bananana: you’re a big tahi hidung.

prontip: you are a long stringy pubic hair that came from ***’s pubes.

bananana: you are my pi kang sai.

prontip: you are dido’s sai in the litter box.

bananana: you are my lao pi after i never dig my nose for 3 years.

prontip: you are dido’s sperm that has never been ejaculated and is festering in his sewn up testicles.

bananana: you are effy’s punani, unused, unabused and obtuse.

bananana: i’m in a very serious and important meeting.

prontip: does the meeting discuss how to make you less of a loser?

bananana: you face looks like the fungus on my big toe.

prontip: you remind me of the hardened sai in my intestines that i can’t pass out cos i didn’t eat enough fruit and veggie.

bananana: you remind me of my ingrown armpit hair.

prontip: you look like the gas fumes that come out of my mouth after i’ve eaten durian and burped.

bananana: you are ***’s dark nipples and saggy breasts.

prontip: you are the armpit hair that’s stuck on my tweezer.

bananana: you are the stubborn shit stuck on the side of the toilet bowl which refuses to be flushed.

dido (pronounced dee-doh) is the name of my cat. yes, the fat, lazy one whose pictures i always post.

dido, the pai kia

was talking to mummy while walking to the MRT.

mummy: girl, you’re not dating anyone ah?

me: no wor.

mummy: then you don’t feel lonely meh?

me: what for? i’ve got dido.

mummy: hah?

me: DIDO!

mummy: dildo?

me: DIDO! DIDO! DIDO!

mummy: aiyo, dido and dildo sound the same. but both also can help with your loneliness.

me: MOTHER!!!

is it too much to ask for a guy who doesn’t:

1) shave his armpits

2) pluck his eyebrows

3) use any fo(u)ndation or bronzer

4) try to go for the preppy look by wearing polo t-shirt, white bermudas, white loafers (with no socks) and a sweater tied around his shoulders

5) have a tribal tattoo

where are all the REAL man meat?

i didn’t even step out of the house today. tried to half-heartedly clean the place (the kitchen’s done!) but the lure of movies prevented me from doing more.

evil dead, quantum of solace, blade, blade II.

just zoned out in front of the laptop, with the lazy kitty dozing off beside me.

then i got excited when i saw the teaser for L4D 2.

vamp and i were discussing the merits of being a vampire or a zombie. while i love zombie movies (and games) with all my stone heart, i’d rather be a vampire than a zombie. duh, who wouldn’t? but to be fair, zombies can be quite scary especially when they’re in big clusters.

do you remember the end of night of the living dead? she just casually shoved them aside when they shuffled towards her and the look on her face was priceless when she realised they could have easily escaped all along instead of barricading themselves in the flimsy house.

wesley snipes is cool. i loved his performance in to wong foo, thanks for everything, julie newmar.

noxeema, chi-chi, vida

blade

the trailer is awesome (click on image). takes place in new orleans and there are 4 new characters in place of zoey, francis, bill and louis. i wonder if anyone’s gonna pick up the movie rights.

new weapons too. i saw a chainsaw ala ash in the evil dead series, an axe, a baseball bat, a frying pan.

17 november 2009!

oh dear. it’s not good to tear up in the office.

it’s also not advisable to wander into youtube and start watching michael jackson videos. no, not the recent ones, but the older ones we grew up with. i remember watching “beat it” and “billie jean” on solid gold, and being so enraptured with him in “smooth criminal”.

and the hours i spent watching moonwalk. and thriller never fails to hook me every single time i watch the video. do u remember when nonie did a spoof on channel [v]?

i received a michael jackson moonwalk videotape as a present for my 8th birthday and i remember screaming in joy so loud and running to the sofa so i could sit down. yes, i was that excited.

it’s sad that towards the end of his life, he become the brunt of many jokes and people began to forget the legendary music and dance moves he pioneered in the 80s.

ok lah, i feel much better now after watching “girly man”.

Girly Man

guess what? it’s 1:45am and my ass is still glued to my office chair. the air-con has been switched off and it’s suffocatingly hot in here. i am being a good, exemplary manager and waiting for my intern to finish her work so she does not feel abandoned.

we had meeting with my director and… my god… i cannot believe… uuurgh… indescribable… rather bury my head in a pillow stuffed with feathery potato armpit hair.

was reading through my old blog posts. this is what i posted on 10 August 2003.

i despise it when you argue with someone and that someone deliberately takes a swipe below the belt to “strengthen” her argument and tarnish yours. that is a lame, cheap shot and since she directed her arguments towards people like yao, jimmy and myself (aka atheists), i was very insulted (rightly) and incensed. anyway, i hope you people will know better than to argue with jimmy and yao. i know one person who knows that and only argues against them behind their backs. heh.

ANYWAY there’s this elderly er hu player who plays outside the rolex tower in orchard road. not only does he play the er hu, he sings along too albeit a bit out of tune. if you see him, do go up to him and show him the thumbs up or even slip him a dollar or two. you’ll feel a warm glow in your heart when you see him smile happily and say “xie xie!!”.

highlight of my day: finding evil dead and adding it to my download list.

lowlight of my day: downloaded interview with the vampire only to find the bloody movie’s dubbed in mandarin.

how to know you’ve found the right egg:

1) he gets along fine and dandy with your family and friends. they’re the best critics and you know they’re always looking out for you because they genuinely love you. even your parents rather spend time with him than you (”eh girl, tomorrow is granny’s birthday but only one seat left at the VIP table. you go sit at the kids’ table and ask him to join us”).

everyone gives him two thumbs up like siskel and ebert.

2) he respects you and does not make outrageous requests which he knows will upset you e.g. forcing you to squat by the roadside to accompany him to eat durian when he knows you’d rather stab your eye with a blade of nonny armpit hair.

this point can also be applied to sexual requests.

3) you can call him up to spew any time and he immediately catches on and knows what you’re talking about because he attentively pays attention to everything you tell him. so when you’re going on and on about some mindless bitch colleague, he’ll interject with “isn’t she the one you told me who submitted that proposal and stole your idea last year?”. so nice when people add fuel to the fire.

one game you can play is to make placards with people’s names, hold one up and ask him to tell you five things about that person. can also trick him by making up names and see if he passes the test.

4) he remembers your birthday and other important dates so you don’t have to make the effort of dropping ginormous hints.

but be careful when he starts making a big deal out of the little things (”hey, baby, these 100 stalks of roses are to commemorate the day i was finally brave enough to take a shit in front of you”).

5) trust.

when his big-boobied, semi-retired porn star penpal visits from bulgaria, you trust him to take her out to show her the sights of singapore and you know nothing’s going to happen. but it won’t hurt to accompany them lah, just in case he forgets his bulgarian-english dictionary.

6) you can do anything you like and test his patience to the extreme limit and know that he’ll be there for you. sometimes you try to trap him by making a big fuss about nothing (”were you staring and making eyes at that kopitiam auntie? WERE YOU?”) and he doesn’t act like you’ve stepped out of line.

7) good sex. and he makes sure you finish first before he starts on himself.

8.) he gives in to your bizarre requests almost everytime even if it entails him being dragged to the cinema to watch hannah montana and playing the soundtrack in his car.

when he’s fetching his friends home.

9) he proudly and openly introduces you to his family and friends and makes no secret of his love for you. but please don’t start making out at the barbeque pit at the chalet in front of three generations of his family.

10) he’s not married / gay / drama king / small KKJ.

from my limited experience with men.

everyone who knows me knows i’m dying to get out of singapore. after eight years here, i think i’ve squeezed this tiny island dry of its juices and am ready for something beyond southeast asia.

i was strategising on how to get my ass out and came up with a few options:

1) trawl jobs listings overseas, apply, ensure mine is the lowest asking salary and exaggerate my work experience. (aiya, who doesn’t?)

2) unpaid overseas internships (some companies apparently help you arrange this but you fork out money lah.)

3) study overseas and better yet, get a scholarship. or worse comes to worst, borrow from james or dbs or whatever.

4) snag a foreign husband, get a wife visa and dutifully follow him to his country. and if i’m really bored there, i’ll spit out a baby or two. (i almost did this. luckily it didn’t happen because i don’t think i would’ve been happy with him.)

5) put myself up as a foreign bride for sale. the thing is, i can’t cook for nuts, am not docile and subserviant, and i have certain prohibitions when it comes to bedroom activities (must wash instrument with soap before act commences, no anal, no squirting anywhere near the face AND mouth, no swallowing business, and no funny gymnastics and gravity-defying positions. i know, i’m such a bore.)

6) declare that i want to walk barefoot across the whole world, get some media publicity and sponsorships, walk all the way to desired country and conveniently lose my GPS and myself there.

7) fly to my desired country for a “holiday”, burn my passport and identification and somehow get “amnesia”, forgetting my name and origins but remembering that i’m *cough* excellent in my field.

there’s pros and cons of leaving lah. i know soooo many people are gonna be sad if i leave and might not ever get over it, despite the hours of therapy and counselling. and no matter where i end up, i will make sure miss toffelees follows me.

i went to the doctor today because i was feeling weak and my head was woozy and was sick of colleagues joking about me having swine flu. also, i didn’t want to inadvertently get flak in the media for going around with my day to day things while knowing i wasn’t physically well.

so i got a one day MC, which in the end, i didn’t utilise because there’s just so much to do.

oh, and i definitely do not have swine flu.

another colleague went to the same doctor and tried to use my symptoms to get an MC. in the end, she kena blood test because she’s suspected of having dengue. haha. looks like my pitiful wheezy coughs and blank stares are unique and effective only to me.

do not watch streetfighter the legend of chun li because it is cheesy, boring, corny and robin shou wears a wig that would make kate gosselin’s beaver quiver in envy.

back to resident evil apocalypse.